How I met the higher self

It’s 7 pm. I’ve finished the last episode of the last season of a new TV show. My eyes are bright red and drooping. I slouch in my seat. I drop my face into my hands. I feel tired, depressed, drained. The dopamine is gone. The distraction is finally over. Nowhere else to run, I guess.

I stand up and take my first steps toward my office. “Damn. I feel fucking terrible.” I think. I sit down in front of my monitor and stare. One distraction isn’t enough. I need more. It’s too much, though. My brain has had enough. I angrily slam my desk and storm off. A mental stain of the TV show lingers in my mind – I dream of being in that show and not where I am now.

I collapse onto my bed. “If there is a god. Please help me. I can’t take it anymore,” my mind prays. This continues until I finally drop off into sleep.

Finally, some peace.

This dream is different. I am sent back to my high school basketball team. We’re down 2 points. It’s the 4th quarter. I get fouled with 1.2 seconds left on the clock. Free Throws.

I miss the first. “Fuck! I need to miss this one,” I think

I line things up. 1 bounce. 2 bounce. I shoot. Swish

“I fucked it.”

The buzzer goes off. We’ve lost. The crowd goes wild, and my body grows weak as they cheer.

I feel a heaviness that I’ve never felt before. It’s like having an elephant sit on your chest. It hurts. The stares of my teammates penetrate my heart, and I cry.

“This is good.” I suddenly hear.

I turn around and don’t see anyone. But I hear them. They are closer than close. It takes me a second, but I finally realize this voice is coming from within me.

“You must learn to love this,” it says

“Love what?” I ask

“All of it.”

My eyes flutter open, and I grasp at my chest. Something is missing. I look around for it. It’s gone. I felt heaviness before I slept – that heaviness for the last five years of my life. It's gone.

I wake up.

Lessons

I now realize that I had received guidance from a part of me that I was unfamiliar with. A guardian angel, if you will. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were always there. It was as if the wisest part of my mind, my being, broke through all the noise and provided consolation when I needed it the most.

A higher self.

And upon waking up. It seemed to change my nervous system. What was once a constant heartache found itself changing into something beautiful.

I also come out of that experience with a few pointers, lessons from the divine.

1. Life chooses you. Passion chooses you. Ideas choose you. So don’t look for a passion. Listen for the passion that has already found you. Clean up your life, get quiet, and listen.
2. What makes you feel most expansive and energetic? Just do that every day.
3. Love is where the buck starts and stops.
4. Love the ego but don’t make the mistake of thinking you are the ego. The watcher of the ego, pure love, is closer to who you are.
5. Maladaptive behaviours (bingeing, etc.) are a coping mechanism you can replace by becoming the watcher and loving whatever arises.