It’s 7 pm. I’ve finished the last episode of the last season of a new TV show. My eyes are bright red and drooping. I slouch in my seat. I drop my face into my hands. I feel tired, depressed, drained. The dopamine is gone. The distraction is finally over. Nowhere else to run, I guess.
I stand up and take my first steps toward my office. “Damn. I feel fucking terrible.” I think. I sit down in front of my monitor and stare. One distraction isn’t enough. I need more. It’s too much, though. My brain has had enough. I angrily slam my desk and storm off. A mental stain of the TV show lingers in my mind – I dream of being in that show and not where I am now.
I collapse onto my bed. “If there is a god. Please help me. I can’t take it anymore,” my mind prays. This continues until I finally drop off into sleep.
Finally, some peace.
This dream is different. I am sent back to my high school basketball team. We’re down 2 points. It’s the 4th quarter. I get fouled with 1.2 seconds left on the clock. Free Throws.
I miss the first. “Fuck! I need to miss this one,” I think
I line things up. 1 bounce. 2 bounce. I shoot. Swish
“I fucked it.”
The buzzer goes off. We’ve lost. The crowd goes wild, and my body grows weak as they cheer.
I feel a heaviness that I’ve never felt before. It’s like having an elephant sit on your chest. It hurts. The stares of my teammates penetrate my heart, and I cry.
“This is good.” I suddenly hear.
I turn around and don’t see anyone. But I hear them. They are closer than close. It takes me a second, but I finally realize this voice is coming from within me.
“You must learn to love this,” it says
“Love what?” I ask
“All of it.”
My eyes flutter open, and I grasp at my chest. Something is missing. I look around for it. It’s gone. I felt heaviness before I slept – that heaviness for the last five years of my life. It's gone.
I wake up.
I now realize that I had received guidance from a part of me that I was unfamiliar with. A guardian angel, if you will. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were always there. It was as if the wisest part of my mind, my being, broke through all the noise and provided consolation when I needed it the most.
A higher self.
And upon waking up. It seemed to change my nervous system. What was once a constant heartache found itself changing into something beautiful.
I also come out of that experience with a few pointers, lessons from the divine.
- Life chooses you. Passion chooses you. Ideas choose you. So don’t look for a passion. Listen for the passion that has already found you. Clean up your life, get quiet, and listen.
- What makes you feel most expansive and energetic? Just do that every day.
- Love is where the buck starts and stops.
- Love the ego but don’t make the mistake of thinking you are the ego. The watcher of the ego, pure love, is closer to who you are.
- Maladaptive behaviours (bingeing, etc.) are a coping mechanism you can replace by becoming the watcher and loving whatever arises.